Fight

My mind is a battlefield. I'm constantly fighting with my emotions to keep them from driving me crazy. It's constant. Some days are better than others. Emotional pain sometimes finds me at my most vulnerable and attacks. I go into crying fits. I sometimes even go overboard and throw things. I suffer from an anxiety disorder and clinical depression. As of now I am not taking medicine because, when I did, it didn't work. I now try to control my emotions on my own. It's been pretty good so far, but sometimes the smallest thing can push me over the edge. It can be just a phone call unanswered or a dropped glass on the kitchen floor. The littlest and stupidest things set me off. One very big stress for me is not knowing what's going to happen in the near future. I like schedules and rules. I need and crave structure.

The panic attacks started shortly after I moved out of the house. I moved an hour and a half from my mother's house. The transition from a very loving home filled with younger siblings to a lonely two bedroom apartment with an overbearing roommate proved to much to bear. I started stressing out about very little things. It then escalated to hour-long crying sessions almost everyday. Part of this is because my roommate, a friend from high school, made it so stressful to even be in the same apartment as her that I would not want to come home after school or work. I remember the times when I would sit in my car in the parking lot and just bawl because I didn't want to face the "demon" waiting for me upstairs.

In order to combat the loneliness of the work week, as well as the stress of having a bad roommate, I got a pet. It was an impulse one day as me and my boyfriend were walking around the pet store in the mall. Looking down at the cages of small, furry creatures, I saw a white ball of fur. It was a white rat. I brought her home that day, and I still have her. Fiona was my first rat, and now I have Marcie too. Both of my rats help me through the loneliness of the work week.

It's hard to be strong. People can tell you, "Be strong, you can do it, I know you can.", but sometimes it takes strength just to believe it. I think that part of the reason why some freshmen in college have a hard time in the real world is because they were never taught what the real world really is. As children, we are told that we can be whatever we want when we become adults. So, we grow up with the idea that everything will work out, when that's not always true. That's why a lot of college students find themselves struggling with depression. I hope to help my little brothers, who are growing up too soon, when they go on their own. I want to help them in a way that I wasn't, by explaining to them that life is a series of "up's" and "down's", and that just wanting something won't make it yours. If you really want something in the real world, you work your ass off for it. I love them and don't want them to go through the same mental suffering as I have dealt with. I want them to be happy.